I’ve cautioned myself whether or not to share this with the world. I keep so much inside all the time and maybe letting it all out I can finally feel free. Here is my truth.
Sometimes I feel like this dream of mine is driving me insane. I also wonder if this is my dream or someone else’s? I love to sing and perform, but I hate everything else that seems to come with this. I hate having to post and get people to interact with me. I hate that I have to constantly put myself out there in order to get noticed. I’m literally feeling so crazy lately. I’m overwhelmed and long for the days when I didn’t have a talent, and life felt much simpler. I keep thinking how different my life would be if I just quit all this shit. I’ve done it before and I keep coming back. Why? Is it really the fact I want this accomplishment for myself or am I just trying to please everyone else? Why am I even writing about this? Because, I need to let it all out? I need to let people know that even though I appreciate the support I do get, when I get it, that I’m being told I need more. It’s always more, I don’t know how to get more. I don’t know how I’m supposed to force people to pay attention to me, and to be frank I don’t want to. The validation that I am talented only needs to come from me not anyone else. I know my worth deep down, and tying that to likes, comments, shares, followers, subscribers, and everything else is just insane. This is becoming an all consuming job that I absolutely despise. I want to learn how to stop needing anyones approval. I want to learn how to be happy. I cannot remember a long period of time where I was truly happy. Fleeting moments, but then I crash. I’ve spoken to several counselors, been tested for everything and the most I’ve been is clinically depressed and diagnosed with social anxiety. I tried medication and it worked for a little bit and then I felt like a completely different person with no emotion and no deeper feelings, which effected my songwriting and passion. Is that the person I’m supposed to be if I wanna be happy, someone who is devoid of fire? Am I meant to be medicated for my whole life in order to cope?